Wk 4 – Automatic Drawing

Sunday, September 18, 2016

I’ve had all weekend off of work, and this hardly ever happens. No work. No class. Nowhere to be. I get to just stay home. And so does Chris. It never plays in our favor. We never both have a day off at the same time anymore. Now, we get Saturday and Sunday.

Friday night I get home from work at 8:30, after leaving at 7:30 that morning for class. I get home and Chris is home, and nobody has anywhere to be any time soon. For days. So we just stay home. Together. In our own apartment that we share with each other and no one else like our parents or siblings or anyone. We’ve been in love for almost four years now, and after waiting all that time, we get to be together, alone, unchaperoned, for days and no where to be.

We didn’t really have beautiful moments though. He has a stomach ache and I still have homework to do (but of course I’m putting it off because FINALLY I get some peace and quiet with the person I love). We cooked our meals, took a trip to the San Pedro Fish Market, slept in until we couldn’t possibly sleep any longer. It was nice. But nothing special.

We got caught up in our own selfish heads. Getting mad at each other for stupid little things like tomato sauce spilling in the fridge or debating over whether my shirt (which was his that I stole to sleep in) belonged in my closet or his. I got pissy because he wasn’t holding me enough in bed, and he was turning his back to me because I was bitching at everyone all the time.

So the weekend sucked.

And by the time Sunday rolls around, I still have a week’s worth of laundry to do and two week’s worth of homework to do. I’m sitting at the table. Chris is doing his own thing. And of course, there’s something to fight about. So now not only am I going to be up all night (I have to be at work at 5am in Pasadena and class at Long Beach at 11), but I’m sad.

And I haven’t even taken a glance at this drawing assignment. I watch the video first (because who would prefer to read) and I’m thinking, “Why am I the one who has to give up and break the silence?” I was so good at being stubborn, sitting there waiting for HIM to say something, why did this assignment have to screw that up?

So I ask him to do it with me, and he accepts. I walk outside to get the drawing paper from my car (because I like to wait to the last minute to do things – like put my stuff away) and when I came back in he had a space set up for us. We start drawing and it’s awkward.

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We’re forcing it and we’re breaking the crayon-pencil-thing almost every time we make a turn.

But at least we’re laughing.

I’m not wearing any makeup. I haven’t all day. And I hate my bare face. It’s all red and uneven complexion and I have no eye lashes. I hide my face best I can when I have to go into public like this. But I never had to do that with him. So I’m bare faced, and I’m comfortable with it, and we’re laughing.

I suggest that music would ease the tension. We try a few things, weren’t feeling it, and settled on some brain relaxation music playlist on Spotify. It’s getting better, but we need to ease more into it. So we have a drink, and it gets better.

And then this comes on:

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02:09 – Eden

He suggests we close our eyes, like Dr. Zucman had suggested. I didn’t want to explain to him that I needed help, so I told him to watch the video (I didn’t want him to think I was forfeiting by choice). He watched it a second time on his own after that. I think he was really interested in it, but didn’t want to say it out loud.

So we closed our eyes and listen to the music and let our minds carry us around the paper, and some things happened.

I forgot that we were drawing on a piece of paper. I just sat there in the moment with my hands on his, embraced by the music.

I had to peek because…what if he was peeking? And he was. We had covered our forced green scribbles with embracing black loops.

We made eye contact. Busted. We agree to try out the yellow because my arms were covered in smeared black dust.

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I sit there for a while longer, dancing with him on this paper. Letting go of everything that has pissed me off and hurt my feelings and made me bitchy. And I felt a warm surge of positive energy overwhelm me, and I open my eyes to peek again (partly because I’m getting pretty emotional) and I look at Chris and it’s him. He’s my positive energy. Set all the bullshit aside, and we have something pretty great. It feels good and natural and “automatic.”

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We look at what we’ve done and we had created a yellow dancing aura that’s surrounding the embracing black loops that are covering our awkward green scribbles. We look up and smile. This is when I asked him to take a picture of my arms to help me “blog the project – for grading purposes.”

He has my phone and he’s taking pictures of me, and of course I feel awkward, but at the same time he’s looking at me, smiling, telling me I look cute, and I feel beautiful. Bare-faced and beautiful. And I get to see him smile, which alone is enough to make  my day (it’s the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen).

We sit there and stare at the drawing; we both obviously love it.

At the end of the song, a woman voiced that instead of “seizing the moment,” she feels that “the moment seizes us.”

I tried to seize this weekend. We tried to force something beautiful to happen and it didn’t.

Nothing beautiful happened until we stopped trying to force it, and we let the moment seize us. What happened after that was automatic, and it was beautiful.

 

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